I have completed the Appalachian Trail

Well guys, I completed the Appalachian trail September 26th.  I would like to say it was a life changing experience, but like, mostly I just walked a lot.

I just want everyone to know I did the entire Appalachian trail so I could visit with Penis Fly Trap's mom and dad and eat at their restaurant, Captain's Fresh Idea in Maine.  I heard you needed to work up a good appetite before eating there, so that's what I did. 

I hiked, I chafed, I finished.

I didn't even die once.

Hanging out with Gary and Becky Hall

Fuck ya, lobster roll

Got a tour of the family photos.  pre-Penis Fly Trap. So virginal.

 

Brief Visit Home 8.22.17

I came back for a brief visit for family reasons and ICHY shaved my head so I could complete trail in a more aerodynamic fashion.  She's a very thoughtful person.   

Survival and Sargasm visit Nub in MA!

On the weekend of July 22nd, Two-Thousand Seventeen, two hashers journeyed as far north as can reasonably be expected to visit our comrade, Nub, before he completes his however many month journey to Maine.

The weekend started with trips to breweries and for ice cream, several under-washed hitchhikers were transported to a suitable location, and much alcohol was consumed before the third of the party arrived. Once the last got in, she snacked and commandeered a bottle of wine to console her after the arduous, yet scenic, journey from Virginia. 

The following morning, Nub decided to take a bubble bath and that his visitors would paint his toenails. However, he quickly decided that he hated the bath and revoked his enthusiastic consent for the nail painting mid-brush stroke. He also lamented being relegated to a tiny cot while the girls slept in the big bed. A short hike to a waterfall commenced, where children were ushered away from the loud visitors as soon as the parents saw them opening a bottle of wine. More alcohol and ice cream were consumed, there was a failed attempt at glitter-bearding, and then the travelers headed back to the farm where they were regaled with stories of farming and cow-catching. They also learned some of the details involved with moving a whole yurt across a small field. All while drinking, playing with power tools, and hearing the many variations of the story of how Nub lost his thumb.

At some point, the party was edumacated on the awesomeness of Rick and Morty, The League, and Drunk History (kinda), fell asleep, and woke up to a real-life escaped cow story!

I'm in Barnard, Vermont!

June 27 - 29 Pennsylvania

When i was planning my hike on the AT Nub thought he would be ahead of me so we did not plan to meet up.  So I was super excited to get the text June 27 that he was in Duncannon, PA.  We met up & like good hashers had a breakfast beer in a park & then headed to Doyles (an infamous thru hiker hostel/bar) to have another while my muggle friend tended to her blisters. At Doyles, Nub lost his phone & then his wallet...so I was very impressed he had made it this far on trail....both were found after some frantic looking. The asshole bartender had taken his phone off the bar & put it behind the bar, the wallet was in the bathroom.....

Things of note:

There are a lot of drugs on trail but Nub is doing this sans any illegal substances!  Very impressive!

He carried a heavy bottle of whiskey all the way so we could have a shot check 1 mile from camp - it made the treck so much more enjoyable!

Words of wisdom from nub:  He said when it's a tough hill he imagines the beer mile & it's the 4th lap...he thinks to himself "If I can finish the beer mile I can do this..."  I thought that was some deep shit ...

We made friends with lots of thru hikers: toothpaste, Bravo, lion hearted, trail magic, ghost, mayhem, old school - really fun to get everyone's story & why they are doing the trail.  Uncle Heather said he came in 4th out of 4 in a drag queen competition in Hagerstown, MD - so he decided he needed to get away!

When we met up he had just crossed the half way point.

We did Duncannon, PA to Swatara Gap, PA together.  Great time!  So proud of our Delicate Flower (Nub's trail name)  My trail name is pita - people found it fitting ....

-PITA

Update 7.12.17 places I've pooped

Location update 7.12.17 Bear Mountain State Park, NY

7.9.17 I pooped here

HA HA, get it! Abandoned car wash

Abandoned hotel that still charges to stay night?

Hotel that charges $25/ night - Doyle in Duncannon PA

It might be garbage, but the bar on the first floor is cheap!

6.30.17 Made friends with other drunks on trail!

7.1.17 Classy bathroom establishment

A mountain man still has needs

June 16 - 18 Recap of Bare Bottom

June 16-18 --- Nub finds Slime’s Bare Bottom
On Friday, June 16, Nub reached the Appalachian Trail Conservatory Headquarters in Harpers Ferry, West Virginia, where he mingled his aroma with the fragrance of several other stanky hikers at the thru-hiker center. He signed in as thru-hiker number 824 and had his picture taken for posterity. (It will be published in the thru-hiker "Class of 2017 Yearbook" once the year is passed.) The AT Conservancy HQ is pretty much the midpoint of the AT; 1,200 miles done and a little more than that to go.

Three holer picked Nub up, actually let him into his car, and drove him to a winery where they sampled some pinots and sauvignon blancs. After partaking the fruit of the vine, they meandered to Bare Bottom and pitched a tent. Nub woke up and took a delightful hot shower and Brother made him a delicious breakfast of eggs, bacon, and waffles with whipped cream.
After breakfast, Nub went kayaking down the Shenandoah river and had a few beers while additional hashers arrived at Slime’s Bare Bottom to drink with him and listen to tales of his misadventures and marvel at his hiking gear.

Nub and the others returned from kayaking, meeting up with the rest of the gang, and all went for a hike. We returned, recharged our vessels, and took turns with the blow jobs needed to get the Slimes fleet of rafts and the floating inflatable hot tub nice and firm. Then we trekked down to the river for a long float. Nub received swimming lessons and even learned to float on his back!

The crew returned to Bare Bottom and prepared steaks, more steaks, more meat-inna-bun, baked beans, a spaghetti squash, and corn on the cob for dinner. No re-constituted sodium bombs were consumed and Nub packed it away like only a thru-hiker could before drinking more beers, eating s'mores, and ditching his tent to sleep in the luxurious comfort of an indoor bed.

In the morning, Nub inventoried, sorted, and cleaned his provisions (you don't even want to know) and began organizing his pack. Unfortunately, he found the log and the big rock that some comedian hid in his backpack while people were doing honest labor.

The hashers bid goodbye—for now—to Slime’s Bare Bottom, and Nub hitched a ride back to the Conservatory Headquarters where he flaunted his cleanliness in front of all the other stinky hikers. Amazingly, the thru-hiker sign-in had seen 100 hikers pass through since Nub signed in. We strolled around Harpers Ferry, found the secret gourmet ice cream shop, where Nub revealed to the West Virginian behind the register, "I have no illegitimate children that I'm aware of," and then that if he did, he'd want them to be totally legit.

The group returned to the Conservancy, where I happily managed to tuck a few more stones into Nub’s pack while he wasn’t looking. And with that, Nub walked off into the oppressive heat of a West Virginia summer to continue his grand adventure.

- Fingrgrgrgrgr

Location Update 6.30.17

Speaking of pooping...I'm near Shartlesville, PA

Day 1,000,000

Well guys,  I escaped death, once again.  This is quite the harrowing journey.  First the shits, now a run in with a goddamn Snow Tiger.

"But Nub, how did a Snow Tiger get on the Appalachian trail?  Aren't they only native to India?"

I don't know, I'm not a goddamn scientist.  But I shit you not, it was there.  Because I'm a noble mountain man who is secure in his Bear Grylls masculinity, I don't believe in killing animals on trail, unless there is an absolute threat to my safety.  I'm like Steve Irwin of the Appalachian Trail, minus the death part...so far.

There I was, face-to-face with this Snow Tiger.  And I was like, "listen, Snow Tiger, I respect your space and your home.  I'm not here to steal your woman, but maybe you should treat her better.  I don't know, but I'm not here for that."

Snow Tiger was all like, "I'm gunna make you my snack because I'm not secure in my masculinity and I need to show her who's boss."

And then I was like, "alright dude, I'm taking out my light saber now, so you better be on your way."

And then he was like, "FINE!" and then stormed off and slammed the tree door.

I still haven't shit my pants on trail yet, but I was really fucking close.  Now I live another day!

     

Location Update 6.9.17

I'm still alive, at a trail near you!

Also, don't forget to RSVP if you are interested in hanging out with me at Bare Bottom! See my previous post about details!

Weekend at Bare Bottom June 17 - 18

Hey all, Nub is still alive (so far) and will be spending a weekend at Bare Bottom Saturday, June 17 - Sunday, June 18. Slime has so graciously opened up his place for a party to welcome Nub back to civilization, if only for a weekend. Everyone is invited so please join the crew in making fun of Nub for embarking on such a journey so grossly under-prepared! Everything is BYO - but please bring whiskey and ginger beer for Nub. You know Amy Winehouse died from alcohol withdraw and we don't want the same thing to happen to Nub.

Nub gets one of the 12 available beds in the cabin, and after that the remaining 11 are first claimed, first to get reservation. Regardless, people staying in beds still need to bring a sleeping bag. Folks do not need to stay over night, but they are welcome to do so, if they choose to stay over, they should bring a tent!

Please RSVP if you intend on coming - Weekend at Bare Bottom June 17 - 18

May 19 -21 Trail Days

AT trail days – day 1 – Friday

AT mile 603 while looking really easy to find on a map, is difficult to find in a car with no cell phone signal.  After missing the designated meet-up time but finding the right location, I keep driving until cell service is returned and find a message that Nub has departed the mile 603 and that the next meeting point on the trail is Trent’s Grocery at mile 608.  Nub and his hiker companion, Shepard, arrive and immediately order a pizza and Shepard has a giant can of beer.  They throw most of their clothes into a washing machine and take showers while I make whiskey dark and stormys.  I mix another drink for each of us as the clothes are in the dryer.  Clean and full, we depart the other 7 hikers waiting for rides and head south to Damascus for trail days. 

Our options for the weekend are to camp in the baseball field and surrounding woods with all the other hikers, we assumed incorrectly that all the hostels would be full, a nearby farm that Shepard has friends at, or a Knight’s in motel that I google scouted 9 miles west of Damascus.  Both Nub and Shepard immediately choose the hotel option.  Hotel was fine but the attached Italian restaurant was the Chef-Boyardee of Italian food.  We drove the 9 miles into town to a not as crowded Damascus as we expected.  We toured the vendor area, met several trail friends and wound up at the Damascus brewery on the edge of town for beers and table soccer twisty things.  

- 3 Holer

Nub's hiking buddy has a blog, too.  He actually writes it himself!  For more pictures and entries about Nubs adventures on Trail Days, check out http://bikehikesafari.com/2017/05/22/at-day-35-35-trail-days-damascus/ and http://bikehikesafari.com/2017/05/24/at-day-36-back-to-the-trail/ 

Making friends with Donkeys

Photos from May 21st -ish near Damascus, VA

Trail Days this weekend

For some reason, I am going to have 3 Holer pick me up to go backwards to Damascus, Virginia, because I love hiking so much that I hike even more than I need to, for funsies.  Then, he's going to drop me back off where he picked me up.  Maybe I'll find some chicks this weekend.

My progress so far!

Preparation for Trail Days

I got a message from Nub while out on Mount Vernon H3 trail on Saturday, May 13th.  I haven’t listened to it yet because the text translation seemed adequate.  Nub said that he had made it to Damascus, VA where the annual event AT Trail Days (http://traildays.us) happens May 19-21, 2017 this year.  I’m heading down to take him 100 miles backwards on trail to Damascus for the weekend. According to Siri translate, he needs the following items:

1. Whiskey  I’ve tasted multiple $200 to $500 bottles of whisky with Dungeons and Drag Queens (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Highland_Park_distillery and http://www.whiskysaga.com/highland-park-the-valhalla-collection-tasting-it-all/).  I have a bottle of Fitzgerald whiskey left over from Spinal Tap’s memorial hash that DDQ says is pretty good; so whiskey should be covered.  I’ll take some cherries, sugar cubes, and oranges (so Nub won’t get scurvy) if we need to make Old Fashions.

2. Ginger Beer  I have 3 cans of Crabbies ginger beer and 2 bottle of Jamaican ginger beer in my mixer cabinet.  I’ll take those along with a 5^th of rum to make Dark and Stormies.  Add a bottle of bitters and one more six pack of ginger beer to my packing list.

3. Safety pins  I have 1 big safety pin and 2 little ones that were stuck on a race bib.  Nub needs them to dry his socks.  He apparently hangs yesterday’s socks on his pack with binder clips to dry while he hikes, but he thinks safety pins will do better.  If someone has one more big safety pin; hand it over this week before I go.

4. Beer  Yup.  I’ve got this one covered.  I’m taking a cooler down with stouts and interesting beers for us to drink and a 2^nd cooler of crap hash beer to give away to any stinky hippy, patchouli smelling, dope smokin’ AT hikers we meet.

5. Unknown package  If I understand the translation correctly, Nub has a brother that has already put together a mystery package of “stuff.”  

#1 – Nub has a brother!  WTF!  What’s his hash name?  Why haven’t we met him?  I guess it makes sense that someone has to stay behind to make the Keebler elf cookies while Nub is away.  

#2 – Am I going to be a drug mule for Nub?  What else could be of possible need that he wants to friggin’ carry on trail!  

#3 – Nub has not asked for a resupply of condoms.  Maybe birth control/STD prevention is what’s in the package and he’s too embarrassed to ask directly.  He’s probably slaying tail on trail!

Plan:

Thursday, 18 May drive to Richmond, VA to do brewery tours.

Friday the 19 May, Drive to somewhere near Blacksburg, VA to pick up Nub and to eat somewhere interesting.  Go to Damascus and pay $20 per car and $5 per person to camp for the weekend.

Saturday 20 May, eat, drink and be merry.

Sunday: Return Nub to AT trail to continue his hike.

- 3 Holer

357 miles in, a million more to go!

ICHY, here, posting about PFT and I's time hanging out with Nub this weekend in Asheville.  PFT and I were supposed to go to OBX this week with a group, but plans fell through so we thought it would be a good opportunity to go back and visit Asheville for a longer period of time so we could hash, check out some more breweries, and hang out in a hot tub.  We knew Nub would be close-ish, but weren't sure what his plans were - if he wanted to meet up briefly for dinner or hang out for longer or if we were even going to be able to find him with limited cell service on the trail.

Well, let me tell you, nothing gets Nub hiking faster than the promise of bourbon and ginger beer, a nice warm shower, and a hot tub.  I'd also like to think it has to do with also being able to hang out with us, but whatever.  We picked up Nub at Uncle Johnny's Hostel in Erwin, TN.

"Nub, good to see you, how's the journey going?"
::laughs manically:: "Hiking is stupid.  Soooooo stupid."

Thursday night we made tacos and had beverages in the garbage cabin we rented.  Friday, PFT and I regretted said beverages and in her hungover state, telling Nub he would be our "butler" slipped up and instead called him "Buttboy."  So, for the rest of the weekend we called Nub Buttboy and he quickly regretted every decision he ever made his life.  Nub wants everyone to know he got a trail name, which is supposedly "Delicate Flower," but we all know it's really Buttboy.  We went on the Blue Ridge Parkway to visit Slippery Rock, where PFT was so overwhelmed by the beauty of nature that she threw up on the side of the road.  We went to a few breweries including Sierra Nevada which is an amazing place.  It's like an adult playground.

Saturday, Nub was overcome by the fact that his feet didn't hurt that he started jumping around doing a little jig proclaiming that his feet weren't even sore today!  We hashed with the Asheville Hash House Harriers later in the afternoon, where Nub was clearly so excited to be around people that weren't all dirty hippies.  It was cold most of the weekend, so we had to take Nub to get some pants.  Nub, because he has been so thoroughly prepared for this trip, didn't really check the weather despite that he'd be hiking probably in places where there was snow.  After getting Nub pants, we went back to the cabin to shower, take a nap, then we went out to downtown Asheville later and went to a few more breweries.

Sadly, Sunday came too fast and we had to return Nub back into the wild where he belonged.  Now he is back among the animals and the bears and the squirrels, making animal friends.    

P.S. I'd like to further reiterate that Nub didn't have pants on his hike.  This guy was in the exact place where we dropped Nub off on Sunday http://bikehikesafari.com/2017/05/08/at-day-21-and-then-it-snowed/

Nub coming back to life

Sliding Rock

PFT overwhelmed by the beauty of nature

Going to breweries can be really exhausting, like, just as exhausting hiking the Appalachian Trail.  Naps are necessary.

At Green Man Brewery